Who wants to hear me cry??

If you don't, you might want to stop reading now.

I am so frustrated with things right now. I am over the sadness and onto frustration (I'm not sure which is worse). One example of my frustration...B has worked for Nabisco for 12 years. A few years ago Kraft bought them out. Before the change, B got great bonuses, incentives every quarter, weekend trips all the time, it was just wonderful. Plus he has a company car with paid gas and insurance...jeez what a job! Then comes big ol' Kraft. Slowly the bonuses got smaller (they were "restructured"---ha!), the incentives completely disappeared, and it has been over a year since the last weekend trip. On top of all of that--our insurance has changed 3 times in the last 4 years. We had Aetna, then went to United Healthcare, and now we're back to Aetna. With UH, all of Little Bit's well baby visits were 100% covered as well as her immunizations (approximately $337). Well, they changed to Aetna this year and her 15 month checkup was today. My mom told me that a friend of her's who works at the pediatric office in billing told her that she had pulled up Little Bit's info and she doesn't have insurance. There is so much wrong with that statement--#1. we do have insurance; just not what they have on file #2. as far as that lady is concerned, it is none of my mom's business (although, I tell my mom every single thing) and finally #3. HIPAA VIOLATION!! But besides that annoyance--they don't take Aetna's insurance. They told me they would file as out of network but I had to pay in full up front. Right...b/c I have $337 just eeeking out of my ears. I wasn't so mad about the HIPAA violation until after the whole they don't take my insurance issue but now, I'm ticked! I work in healthcare and I know what a big deal HIPAA is. I know that lady was just trying to help, but she should've just called me. Anyway, back to the dr--the closest pediatrician in our network is 25 miles away...25 freakin' miles away! We are in the fastest growing county in our state and we have to drive 25 miles to get a pediatrician??? Plus, I don't know anyone to ask about the quality of this dr. I've cried a lot today. I'm debating about what to do w/ the HIPAA issue. My gut says to sue (welcome to America) but my logical mind says to talk to the director of the clinic. I am sure I made them feel really really bad too b/c I took them 2 trays of chicken salad sandwiches from chick-fil-a. I told the lady to cancel my appointment and as I was turning to leave she said "well, are you still leaving these?" I should've just taken them back.

Does it ever get to the point in life where you feel like you aren't going one step forward and 2 steps back??

On a happy note (and not at all helping the money issue) I bought a new diaper bag today. It was a $25 diaper bag on sale for $6.24. Woo. I like it so much better than my other one.

Little Bit is doing good. She went to church nursery for the first time in 2 months last Sunday and now has a runny nose. That happens every single time. They couldn't calm her down during the 2nd hour, either, and had to put her in another room. I think it was b/c her 2 "teachers" during 2nd hour were male and she doesn't like males. She is so cute, though. I just want to eat her up. She has been in a really good mood today (probably b/c she's getting sick b/c that seems to happen most times). She says "now" now. My mom always says that (e.g. "let's zip up your jacket....zip....now"). So everytime we do something, Little bit says "na." She also knows Chick-fil-A. Our CFA is in a shopping center where it is hard to see but tonight we were driving past the shopping center and she started grunting (her version of mooing like a cow) and signing cow. I said "where's a cow?" and she pointed to CFA and said "ziz zsha zsha" (which means Chick-fil-A). I am impressed with her memory. All we have to do is walk in the front of walmart and she starts signing fish so we'll take her to see the fish tanks. She is growing and changing so much. It is so hard to believe she' s 15 months old.

On another subject (I'm jumping around a lot) I think I am going to start selling pampered chef. I am about 98% sure (yesterday was 97%). If I do that and like it for a month or so, I'm quitting the hospital (no, I'm not going to have 3 jobs). I'm excited about it. But not enough to get really excited b/c I'm still so frustrated.

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This is my 99th post. I should do a "100 things about me" next time....I doubt it happens though. I've been meaning to do one for ages now. I just never have time.

Little Bit is good. Other than the few nights of having issues going to sleep (which hasn't been a problem the last 2 nights) and crying so hard she threw up last Sunday, the last week has been perfect. I don't know what clicked last Wednesday but thank God it did! I feel a little more sane. I might actually think about having another baby...but still not for awhile!!

Today Little Bit told me she was one (she holds up one finger), she told me she's smart (we tell her that all the time and tap our heads), and she started signing Thank you (she already tries to say it but it is cute signing it too). Yesterday was a day of a lot of lessons...we don't eat cat food, we don't eat cat litter, we don't put the remote control in the toilet, when we squish our fingers in drawers--it hurts but we shouldn't be playing in drawers (this is an ongoing lesson). I felt like I was explaining things to her all day but it wasn't the type of stuff that aggravates me. It was just innocent teaching. She has eaten really well the last 2 days, also. Can we stay in this stage for a little while?? I like this one...

On a different subject, I'm depressed. I don't know why. Well, I do but I can't fix it. I feel like I need more time and more money and those 2 things totally contradict each other. Therefore, I guess I will continue to be broke and have no time to see my husband. I should be working on stuff right now instead of blogging but depression leads me to no motivation which leads me to being unproductive and leaving me a list of things to do which take up more of my time. Sounds like if I'd just snap out of my depression, it might help. I have to work the next 3 days, then I have Monday off and then I work Tuesday and Wednesday. I think knowing this is adding to my depression. I feel like I haven't seen B in a month. We never just sit and talk anymore. By the time we get Little Bit in bed, we just need time to wind down and go to bed. Having a date night once a week or month even is pretty much out of the question. My parents live 30 minutes away (yes, I know that isn't very far) but by the time B gets home from work, we get Little Bit to their house and get back where there is something to do (basically back to our hometown so another 30 minutes), we have to rush to eat and run back and get her so she doesn't get in the bed really late. We waste 2 hours just getting her to and from them.

Anyway, I know I'll snap out of it and I'm thankful that Little Bit is cooperating w/ me during this time, but I needed to get it out.

Tomorrow is going to be cold. We will hit our high of 47 at about 3am and temps will continue to fall throughout the day. Ok, really, I'm just whining. Compared to the rest of the U.S. we have really warm weather year 'round. Today, for example, it was 74. 74 in January!! I secretly want it to get a little cold here. Just for a few weeks. Just enough for me to get tired of it...and just enough snow to take a few pictures of my sweet little girl.

Speaking of my sweet little girl...she isn't wanting to go to sleep at night. Any suggestions? She will just scream and cry for no apparent reason. I don't know how to help her. I know they go through some separation anxiety around this age but it is just so weird. The last few days have been absolute heaven with her except at night (and a little bit yesterday afternoon where she screamed to the point of throwing up...twice). She patty cakes all the time, she tells everyone "bye" (not a baby "bye-bye" but a grown-up "bye"), she repeats everything I say to her (although she can't get hardly any of the letters right--just the syllables...that makes it cuter though), she "says" please (signs it or says "heeeese") for almost everything b/c I won't give her anything if she doesn't say it (the demanding has gotten old)...she is just the cutest thing ever...except at night. I know she'll get over it. I just feel bad torturing her and making her cry when I know something is obviously bothering her.

P/S have I mentioned how much I love my new camera???? (and my roomba too)

In light of this I thought I'd post the stuff I feed Little Bit. Also, it will help me to have a list b/c I get confused about what to feed her.

Breakfast:
Until a week ago she had baby oatmeal w/ fruit every single morning. I figured if she'd eat it, I had better give it to her b/c I knew it had good vitamins and iron. Well, so much for that. so now...
1/2 pancake w/ thinly spread peanut butter
banana (sometimes 1/2 and sometimes a whole one)
oranges
apple
gerber cereal bar w/ thinly spread peanut butter on top

Lunch:
grilled cheese sandwich sans butter (she'll eat the whole thing--little piggy) and sometimes i add turkey for a little extra protein
green beans
gerber meat sticks (w/ ketchup)
mac and cheese
fruit
pb and jelly sandwich (again, thinly spread)
whatever my mom is eating for lunch and decides to feed her

Dinner:
bits of whatever we're eating
basically anything i listed for lunch

Snacks:
Cheese
Cheese
Cheese
Cracker (saltine, chicken in a biscuit, wheat thin, pb crackers, cheese crackers)
goldfish
grahams
fruit

Ok, so I know it doesn't seem like a lot but you come get the child to eat. It is like getting water out of a rock (or in a rock for that matter). And I have to admit, she does get a little bit of ice cream every now and then--this was per the pediatricians office b/c she doesn't eat much. They said not everyday and not a lot, but a little every now and then just to give her some fat.
Don't give me that look...I am not a bad mom!

Maybe you can motivate me...

...to stop eating ice cream everyday :) I had gotten out of that habit (well, just overeating in general) and I still do fairly well but I'm definitely NOT dieting. Just trying to maintain. I want to diet, I know I need to finish what I started, but I have NO drive to actually do it. Help!!

So I'm posting a before and after. Tell me I look great and I need to keep going, tell me I look horrible and I need to keep going, tell me whatever you want...just get me going again!! Please!!
BTW--I look way too horrible in that first picture to actually show my face. And speaking of that, I could also be the poster child for Proactiv. If anyone is considering it but just can't quite make up their minds, let me know. I'll send you my testimonial pictures (as embarrassing as they are).

my best friend is getting married in may. she threw me a shower for little bit and has just been there through everything the past few years. i (on the other hand) suck as a friend, feel like my friends are too clingy if they call every single day, and start ignoring their phone calls. this has happened with her on more than one occassion but i've done better since i realized that i do this (about a year ago now).
anyway, that was really beside the point but just fyi. so, we were looking at bridesmaids dresses online on new year's eve and found several really cute ones. the issue is that i'm the smallest of the bridesmaids (and i'm not too small myself) and the biggest of them is pretty big and has enormous boobs. several of us (there are 6 total) don't like to be hanging out to the world but a few of the others do. so anyway we decided no halters, no strapless, no fitted, with full backs, and as cheap as possible (definitely not more than $150). and they're going to be black so how much more flattering can you be? she said if we couldn't agree on one, she'd do the mix and match and let us pick the top. yippee. sounds great. so today they go dress shopping. i, of course, have a child, 2 jobs, and a husband and couldn't drop everything to dig through dresses so i chose not to go (was forced by my jobs and sick child actually). she told me yesterday "i know renee and becca are going to want strapless but we're not getting strapless." she calls me this afternoon:
her "what size dress do you wear?"
me "ummm...i lost 20lbs...i don't know" DUH
her "well...we need to come down here (an hour away) and get sized this week" LIKE I HAVE TIME FOR THAT
me "how about i get sized in town and call them"
her "ok...we found a dress...it's STRAPLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (all the emphasis is b/c i'm mad...not b/c she was excited about telling me that)
me "i'm not wearing a strapless dress. i have broad shoulders. i've already told you that"
her "but it looks the best on maranda." WHO CARES?? I'M THE MAID OF HONOR (ok, that's really irrelevant but why did we even talk about what i want if it doesn't matter??????????)
me "how much is this going to cost?"
her "ummmm...well...it's $150"
me "so...i'm paying 150 for a dress that is strapless and i'm only going to wear one time?"
her "i'm sorry! it's the best we can do"

me...i'm TICKED!!!!!!!!! we have to buy these dresses (which i'd be ok with if i could wear it more than once), pay to have it altered, buy shoes, rent a tux (b's in it too) which i'm SURE they'll pick the best of the best, pay for a wedding gift, and throw her a shower. oooooooooooooooooo...i'm so mad...

i know i sound selfish. i'm sorry for that. i should be selfish. it is her day, her wedding, blah blah blah but i just can't help feeling this way.
i just needed to gripe. again, fyi: i suck as a friend.
loves and hugs and better days to everyone else!!

Random thoughts

*I love my new camera
*It is the best Christmas present I have ever received
*Little Bit is running a fever...again
*She isn't too grumpy though
*2 days ago was the best day in a long time with Little Bit. She was so happy
*I got a Roomba for Christmas. It is the 2nd best Christmas present ever. You'd be disgusted to know what comes out of your carpet after it is vacuumed for an hour
*I hate ants...hate them. hate, hate, hate, double hate, loathe entirely! Terminix is coming today. Goodbye $300 over the next year :(
*I'm secretly glad Christmas is over. I love the Christmas season but we spent a lot of money on gifts this year. I'm glad every paycheck isn't spent before I get it.
*I love my new job. CFA rocks!
*We started bingo with the assisted living places in the area. I did not like that. I thought I would but I did not. One man hit on me, one lady repeated everything I said 5 times (I was kind of thankful for that when calling out numbers though), one lady had sinus issues (I won't make you gag uncontrollably like I did when she left), and one of the workers that came with them got on my nerves. and I have to do it again next week.
*B is on vacation next week. We are cleaning out the house and putting it up for sale. again.
*New Year's was quiet. We played spades with another couple. We were in bed by 10 after 12.
*Dick Clark hurts my heart. I'm so thankful that I didn't watch his countdown b/c I heard it was pretty rough. I just want to hug him.
*I am (still) 20lbs down. I haven't lost in quite some time. I gained 0.5lb last week and was the same this week. I ate 14 cookies last night. and 2 pieces of cheesecake throughout the day yesterday. and Chick-fil-A for lunch. I'm sure I'll have lost something next week :)
*I am in no way motivated to diet (shocker, right?) but I want to lose 10 more lbs.
*I met a girl at Target the other night. I meet my friends in weird places. I met Emily at Books-a-Million.
*Little Bit got her 5th tooth on Christmas Day (will the child ever be able to chew with a full mouth of teeth??)
*I feel kind of lost b/c I'm all caught up on Chick-fil-A stuff.